Movie Review: When in Rome

If it's the beginning of the year, expect movies like "When in Rome" to just fall out of the sky, like weather you don't feel like dealing with.

Lazy, lethargic, annoying, asinine, dumb, obnoxious, pitiful -- I could go on and on about how this movie got on my last nerve (and will get on yours as well, if you take the plunge). But, of course, it's my job to break down exactly why this movie was intolerable, infuriating, insipid, stupid, unremarkable, uninspired -- let's get going before I go on another adjective riff.

For starters, we have Kristen Bell as a workaholic art curator still smarting from a bad breakup. When it comes to romance, our girl sees herself as doomed, making her bitter and cynical in the ways of love.

This kicks into high gear when she travels to Rome to see her little sis (Alexis Dziena) marry some hunky Italian she's head-over-heels for. After making a fool out of herself with a few embarrassing faux pas that look like outtakes from the "Bridget Jones" movies, she gets wasted and picks some coins out of the nearby fountain. Apparently, through the ways of magic or something, she ends up getting four men - a struggling artist (Will Arnett, who should know better), a David Blaine-esque street magician (Jon Heder - I guess he needed the work), a vain model (Dax Shepard - same goes for him) and a vacationing sausage mogul (Danny DeVito - huh?) -- instantly smitten with her.

Sure enough, they follow her back to New York, where they stalk her in the most unfunny of ways. It's certainly the last thing she needs, as she's also too busy keeping her boss (Anjelica Huston - double huh?) from firing her and getting the attention of a sports reporter (Josh Duhamel) she met in Rome and actually does like.

Seriously, why does this movie exist? Then again, I ask that question a lot whenever director Mark Steven Johnson, who has given us the comic-book bombs "Ghost Rider" and "Daredevil," comes down the pike with something. Another poorly conceived, pathetically paced, dismally populated story from the not-even-remotely-talented duo of "Old Dogs" writers David Diamond and David Weissman, "Rome" is a movie for which you really have to suspend your disbelief if you're even considering trying to enjoy it.

For starters, as with most rom-coms, it would have you believe that the attractive protagonist (in this case, the cute-as-a-button Bell) can't get or keep a man. Unfortunately, this movie's idea of cleverness is to have Bell's parents played by former TV crime fighters Don Johnson and Peggy Lipton. (You see, because Bell played a teen detective on "Veronica Mars" - you get it?)

Sometimes, I wonder whether people make a movie just so they can get a free vacation out of it. It does appear as if everyone involved with "When in Rome" just wanted to go to Rome. Well, they did go to Rome - and made a pathetic movie as a result. I hope it was worth it!